Holding patterns are downright exhausting.
I create my own holding patterns, sometimes I get put into a loop by God/the Universe/etc. But most often, it’s all me.
So why do I do it? And what is a holding pattern, exactly?
A holding pattern is where you circle and circle an issue with no resolution. You can’t figure out what the best decision is. You’re afraid of making the wrong choice. You’re scared that if you do something -or cut something out of your life- it will all fall apart. So you let fear keep you going ’round and ’round the problem or question (often with your fingers in your ears as you’re asking for guidance, even if you don’t realize that’s exactly what you’re doing.) And by YOU I mean ME.
True, there are times where you just have to wait for clarity to come. I’ve been in that space for a few months. As my due date for our fourth child approaches I feel like I am about to bust out of that holding pattern -but breakthrough actually came today.
I have a hard time with regular quiet time -meditation time where I still myself, pray and listen. The past few days I’ve had meaningful dreams that I’ve pondered, felt like my head was swirling with unknowns and was basically unsettled.
“I really need to have some quiet time and sort this stuff out,” I told myself. And then spent the next 20 min doodling around on Facebook and Instagram…
Finally this morning before I hopped on my laptop to work, I sat my butt down and had some darn quiet time. And you know what? BREAKTHROUGH.
On our drive down to Port Aransas earlier this week I listened to a talk Caroline Myss was giving on intuition. The most important bit I came away with was pretty heavy and pretty darn tootin’ simple. To be in tune with your intuition you must live as honestly, with integrity, as possible. The more truthful you are with yourself, the clearer you’ll be able to receive guidance.
Makes sense, right?
And who else is scared out of their pants by that? ME!
Living in line with your truths, your values and believes is -obviously- the right thing to do. But not easy. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I tend to do what’s easiest most of the time. But when I heard her say that, I knew it was true true true and it was something I wanted to do in my life.
So what scares me about living in my truth? Looking like a human. Being imperfect. Not having all my sh*t together. Failing. Being embarrassed. Being rejected. Being vulnerable, open to hurt, criticism, etc. Warts and all.
And disappointing people. We lie to ourselves in order to please others, we lie to others in order to escape uncomfortable situations. We make exceptions for ourselves and others when we really ought to hold ourselves to a higher standard of behavior. Living our truth. We lie to ourselves to avoid discomfort.
In this time that feels so “up in the air,” so transitional and unknown where I’ve had my hands thrown up, asking for guidance, circling the issue for months… I realized that fear was keeping me from living my truth and hearing the answers.
So in my breakthrough quiet time today, I realized that:
First off, I need to TRUST that as I live my truth and with integrity I will be guided and provided for.
Second, I need to commit to operating at my highest level of functioning and taking care of myself -that means being creative, taking time for myself and attacking work strategically when I’m on the clock. Staying in my happy zone, operating as much as possible in my flow state. You know the flow state? It’s purdy awesome.
Third, I need to release the anxiety and I fear I cling to regarding things that are out of my control. NOT HELPING when you worry. Not helping one bit. (Go ahead, sing a lil’ Bob Marley with me, “Don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is gonna be a’right…”)
I’m a firm believer that a thing in motion can always be directed. That’s why it’s been killing me being stuck in this holding pattern. But as I realize that fear has been keeping me here, that I choose to release it and commit to living my truth, I trust that I can move forward and receive the direction and blessing I need, when I need it.
I’m done making my own chaos. And I’m ready to start living in faith, with a more peaceful heart.
Here gooooooes! (Leap!)