I. Hate. Waiting.
I totally stink at it. If I was impatient to start looking like I was pregnant in the first trimester, the last 3 to 4 weeks of pregnancy is down right torture.
“Stay busy,” we moms tell each other when one is in the home stretch. “Enjoy sleep while you can. Pamper yourself. Plan fun activities to keep yourself occupied.” Oh, it’s great advice -truly stellar- buuuuuut, OHMYFREAKINGGOSH, it’s hard to take. I feel a near constant stream of adrenaline daily, “Today? Could baby arrive today? I’m feeling contractions, baby’s low and in the blast-off position. Maybe, just maybe…”
And I want to eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE CAKE IN THE WOOOOORLD. Which doesn’t really jive with being whole foods plant based, am I right? Nope, it don’t. But it sounds so dang good!
It’s 3am and I’m awake. The Hunter’s Moon/Supermoon is out and I stood in the driveway wearing my wonky pregnancy pajama ensemble staring at the full moon as the low clouds wafted over, making it look absolutely perfect for the opening of a werewolf movie. I have a list of random items in my Amazon basket -like nursing sleep bras and a toddler potty trainer seat- that I probably will do nothing with. My clients emails have been returned and I’m contemplating redoing my entire work website, like starting right this minute. I just ain’t sleepy. And I want to buy everything. And you know why I want to buy everything (and eat all the chocolate cake on the planet)? Because I want something to happen.
I want to make something happen. Because waiting for something out of your control is completely uncomfortable. By creating something to do -spending money, eating something- I am taking action. So the trick is: create positive action, not negative.
Negative action would be to spend all zee monies. Eat all zee chocolate cake. Flail around feeling powerless, grasping at anything to gain control.
So here’s some ideas I’ve been having about positive action when I’m in the throws of waiting.
Focus on Giving.
Yesterday morning I got up early (not this dang early) and hid away in my closet making jewelry. It used to be an occupation of mine, the first business I ever started. I have a big ol’ rubbermaid tub filled with beads, gems, wire and do-dads. Lately I’d been feeling the urge to create something outside of my normal work and, funny enough, Brian mentioned I needed to enjoy more personal hobbies. (I like how in-tune we’ve become after 12 years together. He gets me.) So I busted out the jewelry tub and nestled into making-mode. As I twirled the wire and selected beads I thought about so many ladies I wanted to make things for. And that’s what I’m going to do. When I have the opportunity, I’m hiding away and making things for friends. Because when am I honestly going to have a spare moment and the hands free to do it? Not in the near future, that’s for sure.
I admit, I haven’t been giving-focused. For years. It’s hard to be when you’re a business owner and the provider. Yes, I give to my kids and my family, but my generous spirit has been squelched by the need to make money. I’ve become stingy -not just with my financial resources, but with my time, as well. You kind of have to, though -or at least it is hard to resist when you have counter needs. But it’s also a mindset. A mindset of scarcity instead of abundance, or even “enough.” And that’s something I’m dedicated to changing.
I choose to trust that we will be provided for as I live in my truth. When I live in a scarcity mindset -in distrust of provision, frightened of “not enough”- there is no room for generosity. And no room for joy.
There are small ways, inexpensive ways, better ways that I can live with a generous heart. And by changing this mindset I will not only keep myself a bit more distracted in these coming weeks, but increase the level of happiness inside and around me. And you can’t beat that.
I am grateful for this moment that, despite being awake at an ungodly hour, I get to spend some time sharing.
I am grateful that my baby is kicking and twirling and I can tell he/she is alive and healthy.
I am grateful for a full fridge and stocked cupboards.
The list goes on. And it needs to, because when I focus on what I fear or am anxious about I have no room for gratitude. Visa versa. When my heart is full of gratitude, fear and anxiety has no space to stand. I feel peace settle over me as I list the things I’m thankful for.
Be Kind to Yourself.
I’m not perfect and I never will be. On a recent episode of the riveting show Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood the sing-song lesson was, “Do your best. Your best is the best for you.” I’ve been quoting it ever since.
If I break down in tears because a) I’m hormonal b) my life is about to change forever c) I’m going to push a baby out of my vagina any day now and have no control over when that major task will occur d) hate waiting and uncertainty e) want all the chocolate cake and just maybe went ahead and ate some… it’s okay. It’s okay.
You can take a 5 minute bath. You can take a 20 minute nap. You can take a 10 minute walk. Paint your toes. Be a little adventurous in your make up application today. Not wear shoes and focus on how the ground feels beneath your feet (it stimulates all sorts of good things.) Use your fancy dishes. Hug more people (you get those back and that’s a fun bonus.) Explore some new music. Sing a favorite song -and do it loud with lots of feeling, savoring it as you belt it out. Write out a list of 10 small ways you can treat yourself this week. Try to do at least one a day. There. That’ll keep us busy, won’t it?
It’s okay to take care of yourself. And it doesn’t have to cost you anything, just a few spare minutes. And when you take that time for you, it replenishes your stores so you actually have more to give.
Looking at these three points, any ding-dong could tell you they’re good ideas -I’m not breaking any ground here. But sometimes I need a reminder. Like today.
So it’s 5am now. My eyelids are getting a little bit heavy and, you know what? I am feeling less anxious and more peaceful.
It’s going to be okay. This baby will arrive in good time and the world will keep going ’round. And mine will certainly be even brighter for it.