38 Weeks Pregnant | The Push-Pull of Waiting | Maternity Portraits

maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-1I woke up ridiculously early again today.  Just couldn’t go back to sleep.  So I doodled around online, worked on some projects, took myself for a walk to see the sunrise, came home and painted a canvas.maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-6As I approached the house after my walk, I stopped and stared.  Inside held 4 people I love, a bustle of activity and sound, lots of life.  Honestly, I wanted to stay in the quietness I’d been enjoying solitarily for several more hours.  So I stood and breathed for a few extra seconds.  And then joy began to creep in.  And creativity flooded me.  I just had to paint.maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-15Normally on our family days when the kids wake up, I’m 100% theirs.  Today, though, I decided to take an hour for myself while they were up to get some creativity out -it was coursing through my body and I just HAD to paint something.  This little allowance of time and freedom was a wondrous luxury and, after taking it, provided such fulfillment.maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-11I’m not a good painter, but I enjoy the process and I do hope that, someday, I will improve.  For me, it’s more about the action of painting and allowing myself to create intuitively.  Mixing colors and textures here and there, trying things out without the fear of “messing up.”  Nothing’s on the line, no one to please.  It’s just about letting the paint go where I feel like it and seeing what happens.  Kind of like an 8 year old driving a car…maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-16I know we’re all different, but perhaps you feel/have felt similarly about solitary time when you’re approaching the last weeks of pregnancy.  There’s a push-pull of “hurry up, I want to meet you, Baby!” and “life is going to change forever and I’m never going to have a moment alone for ages.”  My body will continue to be needed over the next 1-2 years by this little one as I breastfeed.  Our sex life will change while my body heals.  And when you’re breastfeeding the last thing you want is someone else manhandling your bosoms while they leak everywhere.  We owe our babies our bodies and attention more so than during pregnancy.  And as labor approaches, the “hurry up and arrive” and “everyone leave me alone, I’m an individual” head-butt each other.  This makes an already hormonal time really quite ridiculous.maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-4It’s okay to feel topsy-turvy.  That’s what it is -what’s currently happening to your body and hormones and life at the moment.  Everything is in flux, everything is on edge, waiting…  Allow yourself the space you need to process, function and move through each moment.  Because that’s often how I feel in these last weeks -just trying to move through each moment as gracefully as I can (which, lately, has been like an elephant in glass house.)maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-17The downstairs doors have been washed, some of the baseboards.  The bathrooms cleaned.  The stove top which I haven’t touched in a year and a half has been scoured.  The supplies for my home birth are gathered in a laundry basket.  The newborn clothes pulled out of storage tubs and ready at hand.maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-10I’ve been up for 19 hours and my brain is mushy.  I want to have this baby right now and I also want more time to get work projects done before baby arrives.  And you know what?  I’m going to put myself to bed, extend myself some grace and let my heart fill up with peace and love, knowing that at the perfect time this precious little being will make their debut -and all will be right with my world.maternity-session-in-studio-kelly-cameron-photography-m-14As Bob Marley sang, “Don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is gonna be alright.”

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